xXx: The Return of Xander Cage

After leaving this movie, my seventeen year old cousin told me that he had lost all respect for Vin Diesel. That got me thinking. The Iron Giant came out before he was born, Pitch Black came out the year he was born and The Fast and the Furious didn't come out much later after that (side note: that first F&F movie is the only one I like because my school camp didn't have any other movies to show us). So why did my cousin have any respect for him in the first place? Maybe Groot, I guess. Hopefully you can tell from this opening paragraph that I don't have much to say about this movie, so it's going to be a fun review for all of us.

Former government operative and extreme sport enthusiast Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) is coaxed out of retirement in order to hunt down a terrorist named Xiang (Donnie Yen) who has stolen a device that can bring satellites crashing down to the Earth. But shock horror, Xiang is actually part of the same xXx program and Xander's boss Jane Marke (Toni Collette) is the bad guy. There you go, you've just been informed of the world's most basic and predictable action movie ever. Helping Xander is the most standard group of buddies ever. Standard except for one DJ who he keeps around for the good times.

The action in this movie is the most logical thing happening. That's weird to say considering the movie starts with Diesel skiing down a gravelly hill in move that makes me question whether they understand how skis or gravel works. But then again this is the movie that has dirt bikes that whip down rivers and under waves (all in the same chase mind you). Because this is a movie that is appealing only to teenage boys, there are a lot of gratuitous girls in bikini shots, as well as a scene in which Diesel is the 'victim' of a female gangbang (I actually feel disgusted that I wrote that sentence, let alone watched it in a movie). The movie tries to even out this disgrace by adding two female action heroes, which doesn't work. Before you all go "Ruby Rose is my kween, she slays in OITNB, what are you talking about?", I have to remind you that I grew up with her being presenter on the Australian version of MTV and nothing will ever get that out of my head. In addition to all this weird portrayal of women where they're not sure if they should degrade them or make them strong, Nina Dobrev plays the cringiest character ever, someone who is geeky and shy, but unafraid of telling Xander Cage she likes rough sex and flirting with Ruby Rose. Again, this is obviously the very warped fantasy of what a woman should be like.

The moment well-respected martial artist Donnie Yen realised he needs a new agent

This movie does give me a chance to educate you a little about the industry though; namely the relationship between Hollywood and China. This year it is expected that Chinese ticket sales will surpass those of America for the first time in history. Because of this, Hollywood studios want to capitalise on that untapped market by getting their movies shown in China. Now the Chinese government only lets in a limited number of decadent Western films a year (and boy is this one decadent) and to make those chances higher, a studio can co-produce with a Chinese company. In order to do that, the filmmakers have to agree to fill a certain number of lead roles with Chinese actors. (I know that this is a deeply complex issue and I'd suggest checking out this video by Vox). What does all this have to do with our horrible movie. Well, it explains the inclusion of Chinese actors Tony Jaa, Donnie Yen and Kris Wu and also why this movie will probably do so well in that market.

xXx is an extremely subpar action movie. I know that sometimes I come of as someone who doesn't respect the genre, but I do enjoy it and know when something is trying. There was no effort whatsoever here. Gone are the extreme sports that I'm guessing the x's stand for and are replaced by a lot of standing around with arms spread wide open. And remember those character title cards that everyone thought were pointless in Suicide Squad, get ready for a lot of those.

One Eyed Girl

Director Nick Matthews' debut feature is an incoherent mess of a film. This is sad for a first time director because you want to make a splash with your first film, but if this is the best he can do it's all downhill from here. Matthews tries to take on the subject of cults in rural Australia but ends up missing the mark by a long shot.

Travis (Mark Leonard Winter) is a hospital psychologist whose world is coming about after the suicide of one of his patients, Rachel (Katy Cheel). What makes her death particularly hard for Travis is that he was having an unorthodox sexual relationship with her. One day on the train, he is approached by Grace (Tilda Cobhem-Hervey) who belongs to a cult and she offers him a way out of his pain. Without too many options, Travis ends up joining the cult, led by the charismatic Father Jay (Steve Le Marquand), only to find not everything is what it seems.

Except that we never find out that anything bad is at play. The poor writing of this film leaves you confused about what is going on. There is no explicit explanation about what Father Jay really wants from his followers, although we do see him having sex with one of the young men in the cult, but that does not mean that he has nefarious designs on anyone else. The film's plot elements, especially early on, play out like a delirious fever dream, leaving the audience confused. There is no ultimate goal to any of the action and only the loosest of threads connect each scene to the one after it.

The characters are also extremely poorly written. I felt no sympathy for any of them, especially Travis, who is supposed to be the emotional centre. The character of Grace may have been intended as a glimmer of hope, but ends up fading into the background. Father Jay is given the most backstory, but no motivation over the course of the story. I only felt any emotion toward the character of Tom (played by co-writer Craig Behenna), Father Jay's second-in-command and that was just because he seemed like a nice enough guy or maybe because he was played by the person who wrote the film and therefore he'd know where that character is coming from.

Nick Matthews background as a cinematographer has definitely given this film a specific look, but that sometimes just adds to the confusion. The entire first thirty minutes is comprised almost completely of close ups and is quite disconcerting. I'm guessing that a large chunk of the budget also went to the aerial shots and while these are stunning, that money could have been better spent elsewhere.

A disappointing and lacklustre debut that will leave everyone confounded to the point of the whole endeavour. Matthews aims to make a film that is somewhere between the films Red State and The Master, but fails spectacularly.

Seventh Son

                                               "To be no-good at a bad thing is good."

A wise and battle-weary Old Man is confronted by the greatest enemy from his past and recruits a young farm-Boy who slowly learns his destiny through interaction with a mysterious artifact he owns. As the boy grows, the Man, though grumpy, comes to respect and rely on the Boy, the Boy in turn slowly learns to accept the teachings of the Old Man and together the boy falls in love and they defeat the Evil and its Empire.

That's pretty much the basic plot outline of nearly every fantasy film made since Star Wars at the very least, whether it's Science Fantasy like Star Wars (or as TV Tropes dubs it, the Standard Sci-fi Setting), or the Standard Fantasy Setting from a popular book (see: Eragon). The latest incarnation of this tired trope is helmed by Russian director Sergei Bodrov, director and writer of Quickie, Prisoner of the Mountains, and Mongol: The Rise of Genghis Khan. Based on Joseph Delaney's 2004 fantasy novel, The Spook's Apprentice, Seventh Son follows Tom Ward, the seventh son of a seventh son as Jeff Bridges' Master Gregory, a Spook (basically a Monster Hunter Gandalf), recruits him to defeat the recently escaped evil witch Mother Malkin, played by Julianne Moore, who should know better.

Seventh Son is an awful, boring and completely unoriginal film in almost every way. The source material is apparently loosely based on Lancashire, the English county Delaney is from, and yet the film is shot in the lush wilderness of British Columbia, a Canadian province. Other sets range from Christian churchs to Meditteranean market-harbour-cities, and finally to an ancient Roman-themed deserted mountain fortress with Arabic interior decorations. The deluge of influences on the production design becomes so distracting that the first time you see Asian peasants carrying water buckets in the background you're confused, but by the time the Hindu protector god Vishnu appears alongside a giant salamander and a pair of dragons to destroy the harbour-city one no longer cares about a consistent universe. In terms of costuming it cannot be stressed enough how obviously this film wants the viewer to sub-consciously align it with Star Wars with the fact that Tom, Gregory and in one dream sequence Tom's mother all dress like fucking Jedi. It's more confusing than Lando Calrissian wearing Han Solo's outfit at the end of Empire Strikes Back.

Ironically, there's little to no magic used besides constant transformations into bear, dragon or salamander by villains, and besides those creatures and some worthless ghosts that are somewhere between a Dementor and the ghost army from Return of the King, there are no creatures or monsters in this magical world. Tom and Gregory's repertoire of magical ability is as extensive and interesting as their names are exotic as their main solutions to magical shape-shifter attack is throw glitter, light torch or swing sword.

On the performances, Ben Barnes is as handsome as a young David Wenham look-alike should be, but otherwise predictably bland white-bread protagonist. He offers no charm, no personality, and his character goes from gormless farmboy to trained warrior apparently by plot magic. His lineage that is the reason for his selection and the film's title is inconsequential, his father appears in one scene (you'd be mistaken for thinking the father of the seventh son would matter, but no), and any power he has comes from a magic amulet the audience is told his mother gave him that is ignored before the third act. His love interest is so worthless she only warrants mentioning for her AWFUL lines, but the actress' name is Alicia Vikander. Jeff Bridges must have been on another planet making this film, probably the one from Zardoz as he's doing a Sean Connery impersonation via his Rooster Cogburn character from True Grit. His constant goofy expressions and gruff demeanour only inflame the burning apathy in the hearts of the audience. Julianne Moore is utterly wasted in this role but is the one enjoyable aspect of it because she's Julianne Moore.

Seventh Son is a waste of time and money. That is the worst thing that I can possibly say about a film, that it is worth ignoring. There's no magic, no mystery, no personality and no care for this project. The amount of talent wasted on this project (Moore, Bridges, and writer Steven Knight) is damn near a criminal act, and if there's any film worth forgetting about this year, it's Seventh Son.

Mark Reveiws: Mrs Brown's Boys D'Movie

How you guys doing? You remember me? Of course you do, I'm Mark Wahlberg. So I heard that you liked my last review and thought hey, that was fun, let's do it again. So I went to the offices of Facebook or Google or wherever the nerds hang out and I said hey, who here can hack. I got that nerd to hack Jack's account and now I'm here.

All I needed was a movie and since it was my day to look after Donnie, I thought I'd let him choose. He chose this movie, I don't know if you've heard of it. I hadn't. But I thought hey, I'm from Boston and this movie's Irish, how bad can it be.

Holy shit you guys, it's terrible. I would have walked out if I was on my own. But Donnie was having a really good time and he wouldn't have been able to get home on his own. He gets scared and forgets which bus to take. So while I was watching this piece of shit, I had time to think about the movie.

First, who would believe that that's an actual lady. It's obviously just a dude in a suit. Do you know who would be believable as a woman in a suit. This guy.

 

That's right. Me. I'd make a fucking sexy girl as well. Look at that ass. If I ever dressed up as a lady, all the guys reading this would get confused and try to buy me drinks and take me home.

Another thing. If that's what Ireland's like, I don't want to go there. I thought they were all about drinking and throwing little green dudes over rainbows and shit. Instead there's weird old ladies swearing at you. Now how I am supposed to take Donnie to see his Irish cousins. 

Verdict: I wish I never saw this movie. It was so terrible. I had to use Donnie's face for the score because I don't want you guys to associate me with such a bad score, which is like a -5. Alright, I gotta go. Jenny McCarthy just called and said Donnie climbed a tree and won't come out.

After Earth

Just when you thought Will Smith's career had gotten back on track with MiB III, he hits you with a really bad movie. And this time it's not M. Night Shyamalan's fault.

Sometime in the future, Earth has become inhabitable for reasons unknown and the human species sets up a colony on Nova Prime. For some reason there are aliens that smell fear or something, so an army of "rangers" are established. Cypher Raige (Will Smith) is the leader of this supposed peacekeeping army and he has just come home from a long stretch of fighting. His son, Kitai (Jaden Smith), is feeling somewhat sad and his father decides to take him with Kitai to his next posting (supposedly his last). Their ship crashes on the wastes of Earth and Kitai must save them by recovering the emergency beacon in the tail wreckage of their ship.

This movie is so bad, I got bored pretty early and started reading about the production of the film instead. Apparently it was supposed to take place in a modern setting and Will Smith was supposed to take his son on a camping trip, but they have a massive car crash. So basically, the same movie but marginally better. Then Will Smith thought he could make more money by setting the film in space, especially when the opportunity of cross-platform franchising comes up (basically more money).

I should point out the people who financed this movie: Will Smith, Jada Pinkett-Smith and Caleeb Pinkett (see the pattern). All that for one kid. Who can't act. I am of course talking about Jaden Smith. I'm guessing every producer and director in Hollywood saw that this kid can't act and rejected him, so his parents made him a $130 million movie and hired a director who has made a good movie since 2000 (Unbreakable was a good flick, no matter what anybody says).

But we can't blame all this on M. Night. He didn't even get to put his Shyamalanian twist ending on it. Apparently the only directing he did was telling the cameraman where to point the camera. Smith directed both his son and himself. The other actor's in the film kind of wander around aimlessly. The only good acting came from the only female actors, Sophie Okonedo and Zoe Kravitz (daughter of Lenny).

Verdict: If you want post-apocalyptic Earth, go watch Oblivion. But if you're at that stage, just watch WALL-E instead. Also if Will Smith treats his kid like this in real life, that's one messed up family.

Movie 43

Please don't watch this movie. Don't see it at the cinema, don't buy the DVD, don't even download it, it's not worth the bandwidth. My friend who was with me at the time, walked out twenty minutes in and I would've have well if I didn't have to review it. I feel as though my IQ has halved. And I wanted to give this movie a chance.

Now I've got that out of my system, let me tell you about it. The plot begins with a filmmaker (Dennis Quaid) pitching a movie to a studio exec (Greg Kinnear). Okay, of to a good start, no problem there, that is until we get to the first short about Kate Winslet going on a blind date with Hugh Jackman. In a regular movie that would be a great set up for a romantic comedy until it all goes south when we find out that Hugh Jackman has balls hanging from his chin, fully grown male testicles. What am I ten, who would find this funny. It obviously doesn't appeal to Greg Kinnear's character either because he immediately wants to put an end to the meeting.

But still Dennis Quaid goes on with his pitch, with stories ranging from an extremely dirty mouthed Emma Stone (who is going to have to work extremely hard to regain my love) sucking on Kieran Culkin's (Macaulay's brother) finger to a sketch about a product called iBabe (a naked female that functions like an iPod) made by a company headed by Richard Gere. Other sketches include Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts telling their new neighbours about the disgusting ways that homeschool their son (some of which are borderline incestuous). I am sure their son will grow up to be a mass murderer. Another short involved young Chloe Grace-Moretz getting her first period, with all the men in the house freaking out.

One storyline I did like (I use that term insanely loosely) was called Gotham City Speed Dating. In this short, Robin (Justin Long) is at a speed dating night, only to be humiliated by Batman (Jason Sudeikis), who shows up because a bomb has been planted at the venue by the Penguin. Kristen Bell is Supergirl and Uma Thurman is Lois Lane. Superman is portrayed as some kind of perverted sex fiend. The only reason I "liked"this segment is because Jason Sudeikis played Batman similar to his character Schmitty from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and that's only because his character in that is a dick.

As the film progresses, we find out that Dennis Quaid isn't some big director, but instead some crazy guy who has wandered in of the street with the hopes of getting his film made. But then in an insane twist, at the end we find out that the camera that was filming this was just a behind the scenes camera all along.

I don't know what the makers of this film were thinking, the same thing with the actors. Was Peter Farrelly trying to make some bold statement about the future of film? I don't think so. Were the actors, keep in mind that these are Oscar and Golden Globe worthy actors, just doing this movie as a bit of fun? Maybe, we'll never know. Two particularly offensive performances come from Stephen Merchant (Ricky Gervais best mate) who ends up with plastic surgery that has turned him Asian a la Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's and Terrance Howard (as in Terrance Howard from Crash, a Best Picture winner) plays a coach of an all black basketball team in 1959, who convinces his team that they can win purely because they are black. Come on, that's more racist than the whole of Django Unchained.

Verdict: It's unfunny, racist, disgusting and just plain horrible. Avoid at all costs. Go see any other movie.