Mark Reviews: Ted 2

Hey guys, I'm really pissed off. You know why? Because they said my friend Ted wasn't a human and that he isn't allowed to have kids. Why is that you guys? Have you seen how many beers he can drink? There are guys back in Dorchester who would be passed out and he would still be going. And those guys have Irish parents too.

Well, the whole reason we found out that was he wasn't allowed to have kids was because we snuck into All American hero Tom Brady's house to steal his sperm for Ted to have a kid (that's a whole other story and I don't want Ma to read about me breaking into houses because I don't do that anymore to be a good example for Donnie). But, hey, Ted you don't need some football player when your best friend is right here and he's better than any football player. Hell, I'll even play football if you want.

Okay, so maybe that's a photo of me throwing a football at the back of Donnie's head, but it still counts as being an athletic guy. Anyway, I got your back Ted. Your babies will be strong. But hey, what about my troubles? My character's wife left me, so I gotta get back in the game. Luckily, Amanda Seyfried plays a hot young lawyer, so there's always that option.

If you're gonna see any of my movies this year, just make sure it's this one. I had so much fun making it. And if you don't like me, it's an opportunity to see me get covered in semen.

Mark Reviews: Entourage

Hey guys, guess who's back? It's your favorite movie star, Mark Wahlberg. This time I'm gonna tell about a movie I made based on one of my hit TV shows. Not Wahlburgers, you dummies, that's a reality show about my family restaurant, because we had to get Donnie a nice and easy job flipping burgers (but seriously, go support the business, I promise Donnie won't drop the burger). I mean Entourage. Yeah, I bet you didn't know that show was mine, but it was based on my life when I first came to Hollywood.

So in this movie I, I mean the the character Vince (Adrian Grenier), but basically me, am a big movie star and I get the chance to direct my own big budget movie star. Along with me, my friends Eric (Kevin Connelly) and Turtle (Jerry Ferrara) are of enjoying the high life in LA, as well as my brother Drama (Kevin Dillon), but we all know that this is just Donnie and we know he won't be as famous as me. Ever. Oh yeah and my agent Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven), he's the head of a movie studio now.

Yeah, it's pretty fun making a movie about me, because I can say what can and can't go in it. So if I want to have a gratuitous amount of nudity in the movie I can because guess what? I had double-D's in my face all day when I was younger, because I was a rapper and you know what else? This young guy right here had an entourage and more money than you will ever have in your life.

You know how much I made just to do that photoshoot? $2 million. Sure, it may not be a lot now, but now I make 15 million just for walking out of my mansion. All the parties and all the action that happens in this movie happened to me. Except for the directing part. Who would ever direct a movie? That's way too much work.

So if you want to see a movie where girls get naked, there are lots of famous people and I (actually me this time, no cheap knockoff or stunt double, kick a door down), this is definitely for you. Even Donnie liked it.

Mark Reviews: The Gambler

Hey guys, I'm back. And this time I was in a serious movie because a lot of you guys have been running around saying I'm not a serious actor. But you know what? I am. And you can count your lucky stars that I'm here today to explain it to you, because you probably won't get my ambition of being in a movie like this.

This time around, I play another character which I'm not at all. An English professor. And you better believe that I do it well, because I'm the greatest actor to have ever lived. So what, my character has a gambling problem, you're probably at home watching too much porn.

And because I'm bad at Blackjack in real life, I'm not good in it in this movie. But I make it seem convincing that I know what I'm doing. But still, I end up owing money to Michael K. Williams and some Korean guy.

Even when pissing in public, I'm a better actor than you

You probably already know this, but I don't like working with other people, mainly because I have to carry the film. But I have to say, Brie Larson is a dream. If I wasn't already married with 15 kids, I'd definitely get in there. Not because she's beautiful, but because she's an amazing actress. And when I say in the film that she's a genius, I meant Brie herself and not the character she played. Oh yeah, John Goodman was good too, but hey, I've worked with Burt Reynolds, so what you gonna do.

So I can hear you all saying, "Hey Mark, isn't this a remake of the Jimmy Caan 1978 film?", well let me tell you something, this ain't the first time I've been in a remake before. You may remember I was in a remake of the 1968 film Planet of the Apes and I made that character my own instead of just doing a Charlton Heston impression. See I bet you didn't expect to come and read me doing a pretty good self evaluation of my own performance. You don't need to go Harvard or MIT to get a education these days.

My recommendation for if you are going to see this movie, don't take your brother Donnie because the smarts are just going to go over his head and Ma don't want him gambling no more.

Mark Reviews: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Just as I was about to go see TMNT, I got this review in my inbox from our good friend Mark Wahlberg, so there's one less movie I have to review. - Jack

Hey everyone I'm back and I got all new thoughts on a movie I saw. A few days ago, my mom called and said that she's missing me and Donnie. So I packed Donnie's backpack and we flew out to Boston to see the family.

After a dinner at our family's restaurant Wahlburgers (19 Shipyard Drive, Hingham, MA, if you're in the Boston area check it out and tell my brother Paulie I sent you), Donnie really wanted to go see this movie about turtles or something and I told Ma I'd take him, even though I knew he'd get tired and fall asleep.

First of all I'm pissed off that Michael Bay didn't put me in this movie. I could have played like Will Arnett's character or a turtle (or all four because I'm that good). I thought we had it good Michael, you already put me in two movies.

I'm so good I can play my own son

Anyway, Donnie fell asleep like I thought he would and I got really bored. Something about ninjas attacking New York (which I totally would have stopped if I was there) and the fact that these things are supposed to look like turtles. Whoever made this movie has never seen a turtle. I have to feed Donnie's pet turtles all the time so I know what they look like.

I suppose that Megan Fox is pretty good to look at, so it was a total waste. And that Johnny Knoxville can be pretty funny, but I really did want to see him fall down some stairs or get hit with a golf club.

So, I guess if you like looking at big monsters pretending to look like turtles or like falling asleep, you're gonna love this one. The weirdest part is that Donnie knew the exact parts of the movie he liked even though he was asleep during them. I gotta stop taking my brother to the movies.

Mark Reveiws: Mrs Brown's Boys D'Movie

How you guys doing? You remember me? Of course you do, I'm Mark Wahlberg. So I heard that you liked my last review and thought hey, that was fun, let's do it again. So I went to the offices of Facebook or Google or wherever the nerds hang out and I said hey, who here can hack. I got that nerd to hack Jack's account and now I'm here.

All I needed was a movie and since it was my day to look after Donnie, I thought I'd let him choose. He chose this movie, I don't know if you've heard of it. I hadn't. But I thought hey, I'm from Boston and this movie's Irish, how bad can it be.

Holy shit you guys, it's terrible. I would have walked out if I was on my own. But Donnie was having a really good time and he wouldn't have been able to get home on his own. He gets scared and forgets which bus to take. So while I was watching this piece of shit, I had time to think about the movie.

First, who would believe that that's an actual lady. It's obviously just a dude in a suit. Do you know who would be believable as a woman in a suit. This guy.

 

That's right. Me. I'd make a fucking sexy girl as well. Look at that ass. If I ever dressed up as a lady, all the guys reading this would get confused and try to buy me drinks and take me home.

Another thing. If that's what Ireland's like, I don't want to go there. I thought they were all about drinking and throwing little green dudes over rainbows and shit. Instead there's weird old ladies swearing at you. Now how I am supposed to take Donnie to see his Irish cousins. 

Verdict: I wish I never saw this movie. It was so terrible. I had to use Donnie's face for the score because I don't want you guys to associate me with such a bad score, which is like a -5. Alright, I gotta go. Jenny McCarthy just called and said Donnie climbed a tree and won't come out.

Celebrity Guest Reviewer: Mark Wahlberg - Transformers: Age of Extinction

Hi guys, so neither Edward nor I wanted to review the latest Transformers movie. Lucky for us we have a very special guest to come in and give the most impartial review I'm sure he can give under the circumstances. So over to Mark.

Hey, how you guys doing? You doing good? I'm Mark Wahlberg, but hey you knew that already. What, you don't know who I am? Psh. That's your last chance and you only get one. Oh yeah, they told me I couldn't fucking swear in this review, but fuck that. You know why? Because I'm Mark fucking Wahlberg.

So I guess many of you are saying, 'Hey Mark, why are you in the Transformers movie? You're like a proper actor.' First, I know I'm a good actor. Remember when I said I'd be a star in Boogie Nights? Well here I am. But to answer your question, when the last movie came out I was walking Donnie on Hollywood Boulevard and he asked me when I was going to be in a Transformers movie. And I was like 'Shut up Donnie or I'll hit you again.' That was his last chance by the way.

But that did get me thinking I should be in a Transformers movie. You know why? I'm Mark fucking Wahlberg. So I went Michael Bay and was all like I'll be in your movie, just as long as you get someone to look after Donnie while I go away and fight some robots.

The first thing about this movie that I didn't like is that I'm supposed to be some weedy inventor guy. No one will believe that. Look at this picture.

Do I look like some kind of nerd who looks like he invents things to you? No. I look like I could punch your teeth in like I did to Donnie last Thanksgiving when he spoke back to me.

Another thing, they told me I was going to be the star of this movie, but then they kept talking about this Optimus Prime guy. Who the fuck is that and why does he get more screen time than me. I'm the star and I'm a star. Anyway, fuck that guy, I get to shoot a huge gun in this movie and run around all over the world. There are some other people in this movie, but they're not as good as me.

Verdict: Yeah this movie's pretty good. Only because I'm in it. The rest is pretty shit. It's just a bunch of robots and explosions. Now I gotta go pick up Donnie. And guess what? You're welcome.

Oh yeah, I only measure things in good vibrations.