Hi guys, so neither Edward nor I wanted to review the latest Transformers movie. Lucky for us we have a very special guest to come in and give the most impartial review I'm sure he can give under the circumstances. So over to Mark.
Hey, how you guys doing? You doing good? I'm Mark Wahlberg, but hey you knew that already. What, you don't know who I am? Psh. That's your last chance and you only get one. Oh yeah, they told me I couldn't fucking swear in this review, but fuck that. You know why? Because I'm Mark fucking Wahlberg.
Hey, how you guys doing? You doing good? I'm Mark Wahlberg, but hey you knew that already. What, you don't know who I am? Psh. That's your last chance and you only get one. Oh yeah, they told me I couldn't fucking swear in this review, but fuck that. You know why? Because I'm Mark fucking Wahlberg.
So I guess many of you are saying, 'Hey Mark, why are you in the Transformers movie? You're like a proper actor.' First, I know I'm a good actor. Remember when I said I'd be a star in Boogie Nights? Well here I am. But to answer your question, when the last movie came out I was walking Donnie on Hollywood Boulevard and he asked me when I was going to be in a Transformers movie. And I was like 'Shut up Donnie or I'll hit you again.' That was his last chance by the way.
But that did get me thinking I should be in a Transformers movie. You know why? I'm Mark fucking Wahlberg. So I went Michael Bay and was all like I'll be in your movie, just as long as you get someone to look after Donnie while I go away and fight some robots.
The first thing about this movie that I didn't like is that I'm supposed to be some weedy inventor guy. No one will believe that. Look at this picture.
But that did get me thinking I should be in a Transformers movie. You know why? I'm Mark fucking Wahlberg. So I went Michael Bay and was all like I'll be in your movie, just as long as you get someone to look after Donnie while I go away and fight some robots.
Do I look like some kind of nerd who looks like he invents things to you? No. I look like I could punch your teeth in like I did to Donnie last Thanksgiving when he spoke back to me.
Another thing, they told me I was going to be the star of this movie, but then they kept talking about this Optimus Prime guy. Who the fuck is that and why does he get more screen time than me. I'm the star and I'm a star. Anyway, fuck that guy, I get to shoot a huge gun in this movie and run around all over the world. There are some other people in this movie, but they're not as good as me.
Verdict: Yeah this movie's pretty good. Only because I'm in it. The rest is pretty shit. It's just a bunch of robots and explosions. Now I gotta go pick up Donnie. And guess what? You're welcome.
Oh yeah, I only measure things in good vibrations.
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